Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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Author: Joseph Grenny
Full Title: Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Highlights

We argued that the root cause of many— if not most— human problems lies in how people behave when we disagree about high- stakes, emotional issues. (Page 0)
A growing body of research evidence shows that when leaders create a culture of intellectual and emotional honesty, nuclear power plants are safer, workplaces become more inclusive, financial services firms gain greater customer loyalty, hospitals save more lives, government organizations deliver better service, tech firms learn to function seamlessly across international boundaries, nonprofits execute better on their missions, and bigotry is stemmed. (Page 0)
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW (Page 1)
Crucial Conversations happen to everyone. They’re the daily conversations that reshape your life. (Page 1)
Ending a relationship• Talking to a coworker who makes offensive comments• Asking a friend to repay a loan• Giving the boss feedback about her behavior• Approaching a boss who’s breaking his own safety or quality policies• Addressing racist or sexist behavior• Critiquing a colleague’s work• Asking a roommate to move out• Resolving custody or visitation issues with an ex• Dealing with a rebellious teen• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments• Discussing problems with sexual intimacy• Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse problem• Talking to a colleague who’s hoarding information or resources• Giving an unfavorable performance review• Asking in- laws to quit interfering• Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem (Page 2)
If you know how to handle Crucial Conversations, you can effectively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic and resolve the situation. (Page 3)
Crucial Conversation (krōō shel kän ́ vŭr sa ́ shen) n A discussion between two or more people in which they hold (1) opposing opinions about a (2) high- stakes issue and where (3) emotions run strong. (Page 3)
Figure (Page 4)
the determining factor between success and failure is the amount of time that passes between when the problem emerges and when those involved find a way to honestly and respectfully resolve it. (Page 4)
the toxic emotions and dysfunctional behavior that occurs in the absence of a forthright conversation that causes the greatest damage. (Page 4)
The real damage happens during the lag time between people seeing her weaknesses and people addressing her weaknesses. (Page 4)
Think about relationships where the lag time between when you feel a problem and when you discuss it is short. Odds are that you would describe these relationships as characterized by trust, productivity, and intimacy. Now think about the reverse. Think about teams where it can take weeks, months, or years to honestly address the elephants in the room. (Page 4)
What happens in the absence of candid dialogue? Contention. Resentment. Gamesmanship. Poor decisions. Spotty execution. Missed opportunities. At the heart of almost all chronic problems in relationships, teams, organizations, and even nations are Crucial Conversations people either don’t hold or don’t hold well. (Page 5)
You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved. (Page 5)
When we face Crucial Conversations, we have three broad options:• We can avoid them.• We can face them and handle them poorly.• We can face them and handle them (Page 5)
The lag time between identifying a problem and effectively resolving it grows because either we don’t address it at all, or we address it poorly and the problem persists. (Page 6)
Despite the importance of Crucial Conversations, we often back away from them because we fear engaging will make matters worse. We become masters at avoiding tough conversations. (Page 6)
there are risks in speaking up, especially to those with more power than you. But what few of us tend to be honest with ourselves about is the alternative to taking this risk. (Page 6)
When it comes to Crucial Conversations, you have only two choices: 1. Talk it out. 2. Act it out. (Page 6)
If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person. (Page 6)
The longer the lag time during which you act out your feelings rather than talk them out, the more damage you’ll do to both relationships and results. (Page 6)
On the flip side of avoidance, we have the problem of handling Crucial Conversations poorly. Often in these tough moments, we’re at our absolute worst— we exaggerate; we yell; we withdraw; we say things we later regret. (Page 7)
The sad irony of Crucial Conversations is that when it matters most, we tend to do our worst. (Page 7)
We’re designed wrong. When conversations turn from routine to crucial, our instincts conspire against us. Strong emotions don’t exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to react to interpersonal threats the same way we deal with physical ones. Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak. (Page 7)
As the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher- level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same intellectual equipment available to a rodent. Your body is preparing to deal with an attacking saber- toothed tiger, not your boss, neighbor, or loved ones. (Page 7)
We’re under pressure. Frequently, Crucial Conversations come out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex interaction in real time— no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of diplomats runs to your aid (Page 7)
What do you have to work with? The issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that’s drunk on adrenaline and almost incapable of rational thought. It’s little wonder we often say and do things that make perfect sense in the moment but later on seem, well, stupid. (Page 8)
We’re stumped. We don’t know where to start with approaching a Crucial Conversation effectively. We’re making this up as we go along because few of us have seen real- life models of effective communication skills. Let’s say that you actually planned for a tough conversation— maybe you’ve even mentally rehearsed. You feel prepared, and you’re as cool as a cucumber. Will you succeed? Not if you haven’t seen what true success looks like. Practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect. (Page 8)
But since you have no real idea of how to bring up the topic safely or respond to the other person’s arguments, your attempts tend to fall short, and the lag time grows. (Page 8)
We act in self- defeating ways. Sometimes in our doped- up, dumbed- down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our Crucial Conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want. We’re our own worst enemies. (Page 9)
you’re caught in a self- defeating loop. The more the two of you choose to continue your agitated silence, the more you both create the very behaviors the other despises. (Page 10)
successfully address and resolve these relationships through Crucial Conversations. When you’re confident in the skills you need, you won’t hesitate to step up to these conversations. You’ll know that a good outcome is possible, and you’ll be able to create a scenario where everyone involved feels safe discussing his or her concerns. The rest of the book is concerned with teaching you skills to achieve these positive outcomes. (Page 10)
Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power— the ability to talk openly about high- stakes, emotional, controversial topics. (Page 11)
individuals who were admired by peers and bosses alike for their competence and insight. One of the most commonly cited skills people associated with them was their ability to raise emotionally and politically risky issues in a way that others couldn’t. Colleagues envied their ability to speak truth to those in power. When people weren’t sure how to let those in upper management know they were out of touch with reality, more often than not it was these skillful women and men who shrank the lag time. (Page 12)
we often have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. Lag time becomes a way of life as we procrastinate, putting off conversations that might otherwise lead to resolution and stronger relationships. Instead, we build resentment and alienation as we act out rather than talk out our concerns. (Page 12)
People who routinely hold Crucial Conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. (Page 12)
Time and again we’ve watched opinion leaders find ways to both tell the truth and keep relationships. We marveled as we watched them step up to conversations in ways that actually made working relationships stronger. We discovered that the only way to really strengthen relationships is through the truth, not around it. (Page 12)
We’ve found that more often than not, the world changes when people have to deal with a very risky issue and either do it poorly or do it well. (Page 13)
Silence fails. When it comes to the corporate world, the most common complaint of executives and managers is that their people work in silos. They are great at tasks they can handle entirely within their team. Unfortunately, close to 80 percent of the projects that require cross- functional cooperation cost far more than expected, produce less than hoped for, and run significantly over budget. (Page 14)
The predictor of success or failure was whether people could hold specific, relevant Crucial Conversations. For example, could they speak up if they thought the scope and schedule were unrealistic? Or did they go silent when a cross- functional team member began sloughing off? Or even more tricky— what should they do when an executive failed to provide leadership for the effort? (Page 14)
Most leaders get it wrong. They think that organizational productivity and performance are simply about policies, processes, structures, or systems. So when their software product doesn’t ship on time, they benchmark others’ development processes. Or when productivity flags, they tweak their performance management system. When teams aren’t cooperating, they restructure. (Page 15)
these types of nonhuman changes fail more often than they succeed. That’s because the real problem lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process. And that requires Crucial Conversations skills. (Page 15)
everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It’s how you argue that matters. (Page 16)
Howard Markman examined couples in the throes of heated discussions, he learned that people fall into three categories— those who digress into threats and name- calling, those who revert to silent fuming, and those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively. (Page 16)
research suggest that the negative feelings we hold in and the emotional pain we suffer as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health. (Page 18)
When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations transform into crucial ones. (Page 18)
The mistake most of us make in our Crucial Conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. As we suggested in the previous chapter, we begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age. (Page 24)
When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. (Page 25)
At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular. (Page 25)
di·a·logue or di·a·log (dì ́ ∂- lôg ́ ́, -lòg) n The free flow of meaning between two or more people. (Page 25)
Each of us enters conversations with our own thoughts and feelings about the topic at hand. This unique combination makes up our personal pool of meaning. This pool not only informs us, but also propels our every action. When two or more of us enter Crucial Conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another. I have one history; you another. (Page 26)
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool— even ideas that at first glance appear controversial or wrong. Obviously, everyone doesn’t agree with every idea; people simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open. (Page 26)
As the Pool of Shared Meaning grows, it helps people in two ways. First, as individuals are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices. In a very real sense, the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ. The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decisions. (Page 26)
when the shared pool is dangerously shallow. When people purposely withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things. (Page 26)
The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy. (Page 27)
when people aren’t involved, when they sit back during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. Similarly, when others force their ideas into the pool, people have a hard time accepting the information. They may say they’re on board but then walk away and follow through halfheartedly. (Page 27)
The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on. (Page 28)
We’re not suggesting that every decision be made by consensus or that the boss shouldn’t take part in or even make the final choice. We’re simply suggesting that whatever the decision- making method, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice, the more the unity, and the stronger the conviction— whoever makes the choice. (Page 28)
Every time we find ourselves arguing, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play costly games. (Page 28)
When facing a Crucial Conversation, most of us unconsciously make a “Fool’s Choice”— we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” (Page 33)
Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both. They look for a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful at the same time. In short, they look for way to get to dialogue: a condition where meaning flows freely between parties resulting in a larger pool of information shared by (Page 33)
A larger shared pool of meaning leads to better decisions, better relationships, and more unified action. (Page 33)
Seventy percent of the success of a Crucial Conversation happens in your head, not through your mouth. The (Page 36)
A problem well- stated is a problem half- solved.—CHARLES KETTERING (Page 37)
CHOOSE YOUR TOPIC How to Be Sure You Hold the Right Conversation (Page 37)
The moment you open your mouth to hold a Crucial Conversation, you’ve already made a decision— you’ve decided what to talk about. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that just because we’re talking, we must be solving the right problem. It’s not that simple. If you’re not addressing the right issue, you’ll end up in the same conversation over and over again. (Page 37)
Crucial Conversations are most successful when they’re focused on one issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a Crucial Conversation on a single topic takes effort. It requires us to thoughtfully unbundle and then prioritize the issues at hand. (Page 38)
When faced with complex problems like this, we rarely stop and ponder which topic we should address. Instead, we naturally default to one of two mistaken directions: (Page 40)
Easy over hard. When faced with a high- stakes, emotional conversation, we have a bias for choosing the topic we think we can win with. That usually means we pick something easier than the issue that is really in the way of our most important goals. (Page 40)
Recent over right. We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than on the one that matters the most. (Page 41)
Three Signs You’re Having the Wrong Conversation Falling into these traps leads to fairly predictable results. We end up having the wrong conversation, which keeps us stuck. To avoid this mistake, learn to recognize three signals that you’re talking about the wrong thing. (Page 41)
1. Your emotions escalate. When you’re having the wrong conversation, even if that conversation is going well, you know on some level that you’re not addressing or resolving the issue. Consequently, you come in feeling frustrated, and that feeling increases as the conversation progresses. (Page 41)
1. You walk away skeptical. Sure, maybe you come to the end of the conversation with an agreement, but even as you walk away, you think to yourself, “Nothing is going to really change here.” Or you get to agreement but doubt that the changes you settled on will solve the real problem. Whatever agreement you came to is only so much window dressing because it won’t get you to what you really want. (Page 42)
You’re in a dèjá vu dialogue. If you ever have the same conversation with the same people a second time, the problem is not them. It’s you. You’re having the wrong conversation. If even as you say the words they feel familiar because you’ve had this conversation before— maybe even a dozen times— you’re on the wrong topic. (Page 42)
One of the best ways to ensure you talk about the right topic is to get good at noticing when you’re on the wrong one. Memorize these three warning signs. Then every time you recognize they are happening, use them as a cue to push back from the table and ask yourself, “What’s the real issue I need to address?” (Page 42)
Unbundle There are three levels of conversations you may need to have about the issue itself, and a fourth relating to the process of the conversation— we’ll (Page 43)
A good way to find the right one begins by unbundling, or teasing apart, the various issues level by level. You can remember these levels with the acronym CPR. (Page 43)
Content. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content— the immediate pain. If either the action itself or its immediate consequences are the issue, you’ve got a content problem. (Page 43)
Pattern. The next time the same problem comes up, think pattern. Now the concern is not just that this has happened once, but that a pattern is starting to develop, or already has. For example, the last three times a really exciting project came to your team, your manager assigned it to others despite your expressed interest. The issue is no longer just one assignment; it’s the pattern that’s emerging. (Page 43)
It can be challenging to determine when to move from content to pattern. Often, it may feel like you’re jumping to conclusions if you move to pattern after only a second occurrence of the issue. Yet you want to address patterns early and candidly, before they become entrenched. It can be helpful to think of it this way: The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern. (Page 43)
Relationship. Finally, as problems continue, they can begin to impact the relationship. Relationship issues get to deeper concerns about trust, competence, or respect. For example, we may begin to doubt someone’s competence or question whether we can trust a person to keep commitments. Or we may conclude after repeated incidents that a person doesn’t respect our role or contribution. With these doubts and questions at the forefront of our thinking, we begin to (subtly or overtly) relate to them differently. (Page 44)
Taking time to address the process of how we are communicating is especially important when there are differences in our communication styles or when our mode of communication changes from what we’re used to. (Page 46)
Process conversations are also especially important in relationships that are largely or exclusively virtual. When contact is infrequent, it’s essential to talk explicitly about how you will communicate. For example, how will you make sure that everyone has a turn to speak? How will you make space for people to pause and think? What tools will you use? What norms should we establish? How will you accommodate different time zones and work patterns? To answer these questions, start by asking yourself, “When do virtual conversations work well for me? And when do they not?” (Page 47)
if you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out. (Page 47)
The next step in finding the right topic to discuss is to choose. Choosing is a matter of filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: “What do I really want?” (Page 47)
Ponder what your highest priority is; then choose the issue that stands between you and that objective. For example, if what you really want is to solve a customer problem, you may choose to deal with the content issue (“ How do we get this to Malaysia in two days?”) rather than the relationship (“ I don’t trust that you will handle this right”) or pattern (“ Our fulfillment team frequently puts off doing things until they become crises”) issues. You choose to return to the other conversations later. (Page 48)
Having made your choice, be sure you can state simply what you want to discuss. We’re not talking about how you’ll start the conversation. We mean narrow the problem down to a succinct statement. This is harder than it sounds. (Page 48)
The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk. For example, when we asked one skilled person what his message was in a forthcoming performance review, he said, “I’ve concluded he is not good at managing people or projects.” Boom! Crystal clear. Simple. He’s ready. (Page 48)
Often when we mortals take this step, we feel a sense of dread. As we start to admit the real problem to ourselves, we panic about how we could possibly say it. It’s less scary when we leave the problem vague. When you can slosh around an issue in a giant bowl of words, it’s easy to water it down. But when you simply state the essence of what you need to address, you feel a jolting sense of accountability to do so. You stare the size of the issue square in the face. (Page 48)
But that shouldn’t create panic. It should create resolution. Notice that the panic happens only when you conflate two problems. While part of your brain considers “What’s the real issue?” another part shrieks, “How in the world will I say that?” Don’t do this! If you worry about the how while trying to be honest about the what, you’ll be tempted to water down your message. When (Page 49)
Creating a simple problem sentence helps you both start with a clear purpose and hold yourself accountable. It gives you a standard by which to measure whether you told your full truth. Don’t worry about how you’ll say it. Just tell yourself the truth about what you want to say. (Page 49)
Most of the crucial problems we face require us to address issues at the pattern, process, or relationship level. Very rarely is a content issue keeping us stuck. (Page 50)
The pattern-, process-, and relationship- level issues in our lives are like those roots. Until we identify and address them, we will face the same content issues again and again. But beware. Just because you know you need to have a pattern- or relationship- level conversation doesn’t make it easy. Once you have chosen the level of the conversation, it is up to you to keep it there. More often than not, when you step up to a pattern- or relationship- level conversation with someone, the other person’s tendency will be to seek safety in a content- level conversation. (Page 50)
Clarity is crucial. But so is flexibility. Remember, this isn’t a monologue. It should be a dialogue. There are other people in this conversation, and they have their own wants and needs. In some Crucial Conversations, new issues will come up, and you need to balance focus (on your goals) with flexibility (to meet their goals). (Page 52)
What do you do when you start a conversation focused on one issue and new issues emerge? You have a choice to make. You can either stay focused on the original issue or move to a new one. In all cases, you want to place a bookmark. When you place a bookmark, you verbally acknowledge where you’re going in the conversation and what you intend to come back to. (Page 53)
When you place a bookmark, you make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about. And you register clearly with the other person that you will return to the bookmarked issue later. Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it. (Page 53)
SUMMARY: CHOOSE YOUR TOPIC You can’t solve the real problem if you don’t choose the right topic. Here’s how to make sure you are talking about the right thing:• Learn the three signs you’re having the wrong conversation: 1. Your emotions escalate. 2. You walk away skeptical. 3. You’re in a déjà vu dialogue.• Use three skills to identify your topic, and prepare to keep focused on it: 1. Unbundle. Unpack the various issues at play using CPR. Are they content, pattern, or relationship concerns or perhaps process? 2. Choose. Ask yourself: “What do I really want?” Use this as a filter to choose which topic is most relevant at the moment. 3. Simplify. Condense your concern into a single sentence so you can maintain focus once the conversation gets under way.• Finally, be both focused and flexible. Pay attention to others’ unintentional, or intentional, efforts to change the topic. Don’t allow the topic to change without a conscious decision. And if you do decide to shift topics, bookmark the original one to make it easy to return to after the new topic is handled. (Page 54)
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.—AMBROSE BIERCE (Page 57)
START WITH HEART How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want (Page 57)
One of the most important lessons we’ve learned from those who do their best during crucial moments is that it all begins with me. The first thing that degenerates during a Crucial Conversation is not your behavior; it’s your motive. And we can rarely see it happening. The first step to dialogue is to get your heart right. (Page 58)
WORK ON ME FIRST, US SECOND (Page 58)
The first problem we face in our Crucial Conversations is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do— a shift that we are often completely unaware of. Instead, we cling to our “stated” motive and ignore what our behavior reveals about our true motive. (Page 59)
“Work on me first, us second.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that the only ones they can work on anyway are themselves. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape— with any degree of success— is the person in the mirror. (Page 59)
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high- risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens. They maintain this focus in two ways. First, they’re steely- eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant impulses to slip away from their goals, they stick with them. Second, skilled people don’t make Fool’s Choices. Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue- smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option. (Page 60)
“When I feel threatened, I pause, take a breath, and ask, ‘What do I really want?’” (Page 64)
small, mental intervention— the simple act of asking a potent question— can have a powerful effect on redirecting our hearts. (Page 64)
As the conversation unfolds and you find yourself starting to, say, defer to the boss or give your partner the cold shoulder, pay attention to what’s happening to your objectives. Are you starting to worry more about saving face, avoiding embarrassment, winning, being right, or punishing others? Here’s the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide. In a sense, you don’t choose the motive; it chooses you. But if you can see it, you can change it. (Page 64)
Look for clues. Discern your motives from the outside in. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself— much like an outsider would. Ask yourself, “What am I acting like I want?” Take a look at your behavior, and work backward to the motive. As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude: “Let’s see. I’m cutting people off, overstating my points, and shaking my head every time they talk. Aha! I’ve shifted from planning a great vacation to winning an argument.” (Page 65)
Once you humbly acknowledge the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them. The fastest way to free yourself of a hurtful motive is to simply admit you’ve got it. When you name the game, you can stop playing it. Now ask, “What do I really want?” Ask yourself these three questions: “What do I really want for myself?” “What do I really want for others?” “What do I really want for the relationship?” (Page 65)
Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (Page 66)
When we are caught in the passion of the moment and our motives have shifted, we become myopic, focusing on what we really want … right now. To move out of that near- term focus, you may need to ask yourself these questions more than once. You may also find it helpful to add “long term” to the questions. Asking “What do I really want for myself in the long term?” helps us shift our focus from our immediate, near- term desires to a more profound consideration of who we want to be: “What kind of person do I want to be?” “How do I want to treat others?” “How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?” (Page 66)
These questions are also a powerful tool for reengaging your brain. The reason they are so potent is that they help massage the higher reasoning centers of your brain back into activity, calming the fight- or- flight instinct. It works this way: When you pose complex and abstract questions to yourself, the problem- solving part of your brain recognizes that you are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. (Page 67)
When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight. (Page 67)
Those who are skilled at Crucial Conversations present their brains with a more complex question. They ask, “What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?” As you practice presenting this question to yourself at emotional times, you’ll discover that at first you resist it. When our brain isn’t functioning well, we resist complexity. (Page 68)
The best at dialogue refuse Fool’s Choices by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions that turn the either/ or choice into a search for the all- important and ever- elusive “and.” (Page 69)
First, clarify what you really want. You’ve got a head start if you’ve already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice: (Page 69)
Second, clarify what you really don’t want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe. What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game playing an attractive and sensible option? (Page 69)
Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence: “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?” (Page 70)
Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals— particularly when the going gets tough. Work on Me First, Us Second• Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.• Ask yourself: “What am I acting like I want?”• Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”• And finally, ask: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” Refuse the Fool’s Choice• As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.• Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the “and.”• Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue. (Page 71)
one of the defining features of Crucial Conversations is strong emotions. Without these emotions, most of us do just fine in a conversation. We can talk about the weather like a champ. But when our emotions come into play, we often become the very worst version of ourselves, and the conversation nosedives. (Page 73)
How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life. It is the very essence of emotional intelligence. By learning to exert influence over your own feelings, you’ll place yourself in a far better position to use all the tools of Crucial Conversations. (Page 74)
Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel to say it, others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions. (Page 75)
Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them. (Page 75)
The worst at dialogue fall hostage to their emotions, and they don’t even know it. The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else. They fake it. They take a deep breath and count to 10. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue. At least, they give it a shot. (Page 76)
once these emotionally choked folks hit a rough spot in a Crucial Conversation, their suppressed emotions come out of hiding. These suppressed emotions show up as tightened jaws or sarcastic comments. Dialogue dies. Or maybe people’s paralyzing fear causes them to avoid saying what they really think. Meaning is kept out of the pool because it’s cut off at the source. (Page 76)
The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose (Page 77)
first place. Let’s look at a model that helps us examine (Page 77)
Does what we see, hear, or experience make us feel something (see Figure 5.2)? And if so, why do different people feel differently under the same circumstances? (Page 78)
there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment— is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion. (Page 78)
We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel. Although this addition complicates the model a bit, it also gives us hope. Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. We now have a point of leverage or control. If we can find a way to change the stories we tell by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our Crucial Conversations. (Page 79)
Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (Page 79)
Stories provide our rationale for what’s going on. They’re our interpretations of the facts. They start by helping to explain what we see and hear (Page 79)
Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others’ motives). (Page 80)
Of course, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn’t long until our body responds with strong feelings or emotions— after all, our emotions are directly linked to our judgments of right/ wrong, good/ bad, kind/ selfish, fair/ unfair, etc. (Page 80)
Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast. When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it. If you don’t believe this is true, ask yourself whether you always become angry when someone laughs at you. If sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t, then your response isn’t hardwired. That means something goes on between others laughing and you feeling. In truth, you tell a story. You may not remember it, but you tell a story. (Page 81)
Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. Stories are just that— stories. These explanations could be told in numerous different ways. (Page 81)
If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during Crucial Conversations. They recognize that while it’s true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell, once they’re told, the stories control us. They first control how we feel and then how we act. And thus they control the results we get from our Crucial Conversations. (Page 81)
The good news is we can tell different stories and break the loop. In fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop. If you want improved results from your Crucial Conversations, change the stories you tell yourself— even while you’re in the middle of the fray. (Page 81)
When we master our stories, we take ownership for the emotional energy we bring to the conversation. And when we do that, we begin to change the conversation. Another reason it’s risky to leave your story unexamined is that your story might be creating your reality. Most often, when people defend their story, they are saying that their story is an accurate reflection of reality. The reality came first, and their story merely captured it. Maybe. But when you dig deeper, it is not uncommon to find that the story itself created the reality. Or at least contributed to it. We call this a “downward spiral.” (Page 82)
What’s the most effective way to come up with different stories? The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. (Page 84)
(Act) Notice your behavior. Ask: “Am I acting out my concerns rather than talking them out?”• (Feel) Put your feelings into words. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”• (Tell story) Analyze your stories. Ask: “What story is creating these emotions?”• (See/ hear) Get back to the facts. Ask: “What have I seen or heard that supports this story? What have I seen or heard that conflicts with this story?” (Page 84)
consider two situations that can be cues to you that it is time to take a pause and retrace your Path to Action: 1. Bad results. You’re not happy with the results you are getting. You’re in a situation and don’t like the outcome. You’d like to be promoted, but it’s not happening. You’d like to enjoy time with your family, but every time you’re at extended family gatherings, tempers flare. Whatever the situation, if you are not happy with the outcome, start by looking at how you behaved and the Path to Action that led to your behavior. 2. Tough emotions. You’re feeling negative emotions. Strong ones. This is one of the best cues that it is time to retrace your path. If you’re angry, frustrated, hurt, upset, or irritated, this is a great cue to ask why. Why am I feeling this way, and how is this feeling causing me to act? (Page 85)
As skilled individuals retrace their own Path to Action, they move from admitting their own unhealthy behavior to verbalizing their emotions. (Page 86)
identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might imagine. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate. When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “scared”— which would be OK if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not. (Page 86)
Since life doesn’t consist of a series of vocabulary tests, you might wonder what difference words can make. But words do matter. Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why. For instance, you’re far more likely to take an honest look at the story you’re telling yourself if you admit you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised rather than simply angry. (Page 86)
When you take the time to precisely articulate what you’re feeling, you begin to put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotion. This distance lets you move from being hostage to the emotion to being an observer of it. When you can hold it at a little distance from yourself, you can examine it, study it, and begin to change it. But that process can’t begin until you name it. (Page 87)
When experiencing strong emotions, do you stop and think about what you’re feeling? If so, do you use a rich vocabulary, or do you mostly draw from terms such as “OK,” “bummed out,” “ticked off,” or “frustrated”? Second, do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside you? Third, in so doing, do you take the time to get below the easy- to- say emotions and accurately identify those that take more vulnerability to acknowledge (like shame, hurt, fear, and inadequacy)? (Page 87)
The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important one. By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories. We challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story is right and true. We willingly question whether our emotions (very real) and the story behind them (only one of many possible explanations) are accurate. (Page 87)
any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. The more we accept responsibility for the stories we tell, the more nuanced and effective our emotional responses become. (Page 88)
Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you see them as immutable facts. When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment that you begin to believe your stories are facts. They feel like facts. You confuse subjective conclusions with steel- hard data points. (Page 88)
The best way to liberate yourself from an overpowering story is to separate facts from story. When trying to strip out story, it helps to test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior? (Page 89)
Once we start to tell a story (“ Louis is a power- hungry weasel!”), we start to selectively see the evidence or facts that reinforce our story, and we overlook facts that contradict our story. We believe our story and want to continue to believe it. Thus, we only “see” that which helps us continue to believe. As we retrace our path and get back to the facts, we need to take another look at all the facts. Were there things that we, in the throes of our story, overlooked? (Page 90)
As you learn to question and analyze your stories, pay close attention to an insidious and common type of story: the self- justifying story. For example, you’re faced with a Crucial Conversation. Rather than engaging in productive dialogue, you either shut down or push back. Recognizing on some level your own bad behavior, you quickly come up with a perfectly plausible reason why what you did was OK: “Of course I yelled at him. Did you see what he did? He deserved it.” Or “Hey, don’t you dare judge me for not speaking up. I don’t have a choice. I have to keep this job.” (Page 90)
We call these imaginative and self- serving concoctions “clever stories.” They’re clever because they allow us to feel good about behaving badly. Better yet, they allow us to feel good about behaving badly even while achieving abysmal results. When we feel a need to justify (Page 91)
The first of the clever stories is a Victim Story. Victim Stories, as you might imagine, make us out to be innocent sufferers. The theme is always the same. We are good, right, brilliant, or righteous, and other people or the world at large is aligned against us. We suffer through absolutely no fault of our own. We are innocent. (Page 91)
Within most Crucial Conversations, when you tell a Victim Story, you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem. You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might have contributed to the problem. (Page 91)
We create these nasty little tales by turning normal, decent human beings into villains. We impute bad motive, and then we tell everyone about the evils of the other party as if somehow we’re doing the world a huge favor. We ignore any of our villains’ virtues and turn their flaws into exaggerated indictments. (Page 92)
In Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity. We automatically assume the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence while ignoring any possible good or neutral intentions or skills a person may have. Often we’ll dehumanize our villain further by replacing his or her name with a label. (Page 92)
Not only do Villain Stories help us blame others for bad results; they also set us up to then do whatever we want to the “villains.” After all, we can feel OK insulting or abusing a bonehead or a lawyer— whereas we might have to be more careful with a living, breathing person. Then when we fail to get the results we really want, we stay stuck in our ineffective behavior because, after all, look who we’re dealing with! (Page 92)
Sometimes we go beyond villainizing individuals to villainizing entire communities of people: “Those yahoos in engineering have no idea what it takes to sell our product.” “Lawyers! You can’t trust a single one.” Taking an individual human being, lumping the person into a broad category, and then rejecting that entire group of people allows us to both be angry at them and dismiss them, all at once. (Page 93)
When you pay attention to Victim and Villain Stories and catch them for what they are— unfair caricatures— you begin to see the terrible double standard we use when our emotions are out of control. When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure: (Page 93)
On the other hand, when others do things that hurt or inconvenience us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives or exaggerate flaws for others based on how their actions affected us: (Page 93)
Finally come Helpless Stories. In these fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful. We convince ourselves that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament, which justifies the action we’re about to take. (Page 93)
While Villain and Victim Stories look back to explain why we’re in the situation we’re in, Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation. It’s particularly easy to act helpless when we turn others’ behavior into fixed and unchangeable traits. (Page 93)
Helpless Stories often stem from Villain Stories and typically offer us nothing more than Fool’s Choices— we can either be honest and ruin the relationship or stay silent and suffer. (Page 94)
Clever stories match reality. Sometimes the stories we tell are accurate. The other person is trying to cause us harm, we are innocent victims, or maybe we really can’t do much about the problem. It can happen. It’s not common, but it can happen. (Page 94)
Clever stories justify our actions. More often than not, our conclusions transform from reasonable explanations to clever stories when they conveniently excuse us from any responsibility— when, in reality, we have been partially responsible. (Page 94)
Our need to tell clever stories often starts with our own sellouts. Like it or not, we usually don’t begin telling stories that justify our actions until we have done something that we feel a need to justify. (Page 94)
Even small sellouts like these get us started telling clever stories. When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing. We tell a clever story when we want self- justification more than results. Of course, self- justification is not what we really want, but we certainly act as if it is. (Page 97)
The best at dialogue recognize that they’re telling clever stories, stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story. A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action— such as dialogue. (Page 97)
And what transforms a clever story into a useful one? The rest of the story. That’s because clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete. Clever stories omit crucial information about us, about others, and about our options. Only by including all these essential details can clever stories be transformed into useful ones. What’s the best way to fill in the missing details? Quite simply, it’s done by turning victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into the able. (Page 97)
Turn victims into actors. If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask: “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?” (Page 98)
maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem. Instead of being a victim, you were an actor. This doesn’t necessarily mean you had malicious motives. Perhaps your contribution was merely a thoughtless omission. (Page 98)
More often than not, when faced with persistent or recurrent problems, the role we are playing (and are pretending not to notice) is one of silent complicity. The problem has been going on for a while and we have said … nothing. Our role is silence. (Page 98)
Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?” (Page 98)
with experience and maturity, we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us. (Page 99)
Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask: “What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?” (Page 100)
Then break free of the Fool’s Choice that’s made you feel helpless to choose anything other than going on the attack or staying silent. Do this by asking: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (Page 100)
strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try these steps: Retrace Your Path• Examine your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing.• Put your feelings into words. Learn to accurately identify and name the emotions behind your story. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”• Spot your story. Identify your story. Ask: “What story must I be telling to create these emotions? What story is creating these emotions?”• Separate fact from story. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. Ask: “What evidence do I have to support this story?”• Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list. Tell the Rest of the Story• Ask: “What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?” “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” “What do I really want?” “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (Page 104)
The sooner you notice you’re not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and the lower the costs. The sad corollary is that the longer it takes to notice you’re not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs. (Page 109)
During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual- process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said). When stakes get high, we get so caught up in what we’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument. As a result, we don’t see what’s happening to ourselves and to others. (Page 109)
It helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. (Page 110)
stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a routine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. (Page 110)
reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a Crucial Conversation. Some people first notice physical signals. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. (Page 111)
Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, defensive, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. (Page 111)
Some people’s first cue is behavioral. For them it’s like an out- of- body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It’s only then that they realize how they’re feeling. (Page 111)
People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content, and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. (Page 111)
Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning— period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions— fight and flight— are motivated by the same emotion: fear. (Page 112)
people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe, or when they question why you’re saying the things you are. Specifically, they begin to speculate about either your respect (“ Is this message a sign of disrespect?”), your intent (“ Does this message tell me you have malicious motives toward me?”), or both. Either way, the problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. (Page 112)
The measure of whether a conversation is safe is not how comfortable I feel. It is whether meaning is flowing. (Page 113)
When you feel genuinely threatened, your peripheral vision actually narrows until you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you. By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is at risk, you reengage your brain, and your full vision returns. (Page 113)
when you give yourself a new problem to consider (keep alert for signs that safety is at risk!), you affect your brain functioning. Your higher reasoning centers stay more active, and you’re far less likely to be dumbed down and far more likely to succeed in your Crucial Conversations. (Page 113)
When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. They may make fun of you, insult you, or steamroll you with their arguments. In such moments, you should be thinking to yourself: “Hey, they’re feeling unsafe. I need to do something— maybe make it safer.” Unfortunately, more often than not, instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at its face— as an attack. (Page 114)
As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to verbal violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). (Page 115)
Silence. Silence consists of any act to purposely withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. (Page 115)
Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms: (Page 115)
Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues: (Page 116)
Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room: (Page 116)
Violence. Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name- calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking. (Page 117)
Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation by interrupting, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions, among other strategies: (Page 117)
Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category: (Page 117)
If you know you need to have a Crucial Conversation, choose the medium that will give you the most bandwidth. For many, this is a face- to- face conversation. When that isn’t possible, we often go next to videoconferencing and then a phone call. Eventually, we get to email, text, and instant messaging. With each step, we know we are decreasing the data available to us. (Page 126)
When you see signs of silence or violence in virtual communication, ask for more data. When you do, either people will add meaning to the pool about what they’re feeling or thinking, or they’ll hold back. If they don’t disclose more about how they’re feeling, that is its own confirming data. (Page 127)
When caught up in a Crucial Conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion becomes stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress. (Page 129)
Learn to Look:• At content and conditions• For when things become crucial• For safety problems• To see if others are moving toward silence or violence• For outbreaks of your Style Under Stress (Page 129)
When safety is at risk and you notice people moving to silence or violence, you need to step out of the content of the conversation (literally stop talking about the topic of your conversation) and rebuild safety. (Page 133)
People never become defensive about what you’re saying (the content of your message). They become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it (the intent). Said another way, safety in a conversation is about intent, not content. (Page 133)
When people become defensive, it is because either: 1. You have a bad intent toward them (and they are accurately picking up on that). Or: 2. They have misunderstood your good intent. (Page 133)
Check yourself by asking, what am I acting like I want? This question helps us see ourselves as other people are seeing us. Then ask yourself, what do you really want? For you? For them? For the relationship? If your motives have degraded, step back and refocus on what it is you really want. (Page 133)
It’s not enough for you to have good intentions; the other person must know that this is the case. Think about this in the context of unconscious bias— the discomforts and judgments that we have about those who are different from us and that we are unaware we carry. These biases will cause you to communicate subtle signals to others that make them feel unsafe— breaking eye contact, stepping back a bit, frowning almost imperceptibly, etc. Similarly, they may carry unconscious biases toward you that make them feel less safe. This is one more reason to take on the task of generating clear and unmistakable evidence for them to the contrary. (Page 134)
order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that:• You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose).• You care about them (Mutual Respect). (Page 135)
Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect the conditions of dialogue. Only when these two conditions are met, when there is Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect, will you have the safety needed for meaning to flow into the pool. (Page 135)
Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. You believe they care about yours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking. (Page 135)
a great Mutual Purpose to start with is to seek mutual understanding. If the other person truly believes you sincerely want to understand his or her needs or point of view, you have the basic makings of safety. And once the other person feels deeply understood, he or she is more likely to have the psychological resources to listen to you. (Page 136)
don’t mistake your responsibility to create safety in the dialogue as meaning you should not expect the other person to acknowledge your needs. Mutual Purpose must be mutual. Yes, you need to care about the other person’s purpose. But the other person also needs to care about your purpose. You don’t need to subordinate your purpose to that of others just to create a veneer of safety for them. (Page 136)
what do you do if the other person doesn’t seem to care about your purpose? You choose that as the topic of the Crucial Conversation you need to have. After all, your purpose is every bit as important as the other person’s, and you could and should hold that as a boundary. (Page 137)
It’s important to me that we have a collaborative and productive relationship. I’d like to talk about a pattern I’ve noticed in our conversations. I know we often have different goals or objectives. And I hope you know that I care about your objectives as well as my own. Sometimes, though, I sense that you don’t really care about my goals, and that can make it tough for me to talk about things with you. I’m wondering if I’ve misread this. (Page 137)
Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe, and dialogue comes to a screeching halt. (Page 138)
respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose— it is now about defending dignity. (Page 138)
When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged. Their emotions turn from fear to anger. Then they resort to pouting, name- calling, yelling, and making threats. To determine when Mutual Respect is at risk, ask yourself, “Do others believe I respect them?” (Page 138)
Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to respect every element of another person’s character before we could talk. If this were the case, the only person we’d be able to talk to would be ourselves. (Page 139)
we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing others’ behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them. (Page 139)
When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others. When we do this, we feel a kinship between ourselves and even the thorniest of people. (Page 139)
Here are four skills that the best at dialogue routinely use to build safety up front in a conversation and rebuild safety when it’s been lost:• Share your good intent.• Apologize when appropriate.• Contrast to fix misunderstandings.• Create a Mutual Purpose. (Page 141)
Mari, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night. I love you, and I want to make sure we’re talking about things that impact our relationship, because our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. I’m sure there are things you’d like me to change, and I want to understand those as well as share concerns I have. Could we talk? (Page 142)
When you start the conversation by sharing your good intent, you lay the foundation for safety. It doesn’t mean that the other person won’t get defensive as the conversation progresses, but it does give you the touchstone you need to return to again and again when safety is at risk. (Page 142)
When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing— or at least not preventing— pain or difficulty to others. (Page 142)
When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called “Contrasting.” Contrasting is a don’t/ do statement that fixes misunderstandings:• In the “don’t” part of the statement, you explain what you don’t intend for the conversation. This addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.• In the “do” part of the statement, you clarify what your intention for the conversation really is. This confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose. (Page 144)
Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don’t is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk. (Page 145)
Use Contrasting to provide context and proportion. When you’re in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend. (Page 145)
Use Contrasting for prevention. So far we’ve shown how Contrasting can be used as first aid for a wounded conversation. Someone has taken something wrong, and we’ve intervened to clarify our true purpose or meaning. However, Contrasting can also be a powerful tool for preventing safety problems. In this respect, it’s similar to starting a conversation by sharing your good intent. (Page 146)
Create a Mutual Purpose Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes. There is no misunderstanding here. Contrasting won’t do the trick. We need something sturdier for this job. (Page 147)
The worst at dialogue either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way. They opt for either competition or submission. Both strategies end up making winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation. The good at dialogue move immediately toward compromise. (Page 147)
The best at dialogue use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose. If it helps you remember what to do, note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB. (Page 148)
Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose As with most dialogue skills, if we want to get back to dialogue, we have to Start with Heart. In this case, we have to agree to agree. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in). We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share. (Page 148)
This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there— one that suits everyone. (Page 148)
We also have to be willing to verbalize this commitment even when our partner seems committed to winning. We act on faith that our partner is stuck in silence or violence because he or she feels unsafe. We assume that if we build more safety— by demonstrating our commitment to finding a Mutual Purpose— the other person will feel more confident that dialogue could be a productive avenue. (Page 148)
next time you find yourself stuck in a battle of wills, try this amazingly powerful but simple skill: Step out of the content of the struggle and make it safe. Simply say: “It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.” Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better. (Page 148)
Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step, but desire alone is not enough. After we’ve experienced a change of heart, we need to change our strategy as well. Here’s the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we’ll never find a way out because we equate what we’re asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we’re asking for is the strategy we’re suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That’s the problem. (Page 149)
Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people’s real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation— which is generally focused on strategies— and explore the purposes behind them. When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible. By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you’re now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests: (Page 149)
Invent a Mutual Purpose Sometimes when you recognize the purposes behind another person’s strategies, you discover that you actually have compatible goals. From there you simply come up with common strategies. But you’re not always so lucky. For example, you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person’s. In this case you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose. That means you’ll have to actively invent one. (Page 150)
To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. (Page 150)
Brainstorm New Strategies Once you’ve built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation. It’s time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone’s needs. If you’ve committed to finding something everyone can support and you’ve surfaced what you really want, you’ll no longer be spending your energy on unproductive conflict. Instead, you’ll be actively coming up with options that can serve everyone. (Page 150)
when you sense that you and others are working at cross- purposes, here’s what you can do. First, step out of the content of the conflict. Stop focusing on who thinks what. Then create a Mutual Purpose:• Commit to seek a Mutual Purpose. Make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone. “This isn’t working. Your team is arguing to stay late and work until we’re done, and my team wants to go home and come back on the weekend. Why don’t we see if we can come up with something that satisfies everyone?” (Page 151)
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people why they want what they’re pushing for. Separate what they’re demanding from the purpose it serves. “Exactly why don’t you want to come in Saturday morning? We’re feeling fatigued and are worried about safety issues and a loss of quality. Why do you want to stay late?” (Page 151)
Invent a Mutual Purpose. If after clarifying everyone’s purposes you’re still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer- term purpose that’s more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict. “I certainly don’t want to make winners and losers here. It’s far better if we can come up with something that doesn’t make one team resent the other. We’ve voted before or flipped a coin, and the losers just ended up resenting the winners. I’m more worried about how we feel about each other than anything else. Let’s make sure that whatever we do, we don’t drive a wedge into our working relationship.” (Page 152)
Brainstorm new strategies. With a clear Mutual Purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone. “So we need to come up with something that doesn’t jeopardize safety and quality and allows your team to attend your colleague’s wedding on Saturday afternoon. My team members have a game Saturday morning. What if your team were to work the morning and early afternoon, and then our team can come in after the game and take over from there? That way we’ll be able (Page 152)
The core conditions of safety don’t change based on the medium. If I know you care about me (Mutual Respect) and I know you care about what I care about (Mutual Purpose), I’ll feel safe with you, whether conversing face- to- face or reading an email. The key difference in email and other written communication is that it is even more essential to verbalize your good intent. (Page 153)
tip for making sure you communicate intent when typing a crucial message to someone: Write it twice. First, write the message to get your content across. Once you have your content down, consider how your intent is coming across. Read the message slowly, imagining the other person’s face. How might the person feel at each point in your message? Then rewrite it with safety in mind. Notice places someone may misunderstand your intentions or your respect, and clarify what you do and don’t intend for them to hear. In less formal, more personal relationships, you may even want to describe the facial expression you’re wearing as you write something just to make your intent even clearer. (Page 153)
Creating safety doesn’t resolve all our issues; it simply creates the space to give dialogue a chance. (Page 158)
STEP OUT OF THE CONTENT When others move to silence or violence, step out of the content of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk• Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?• Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them? Share Your Good Intent To start the conversation off right, share your positive intent. What do you really want? For you and the other person. Apologize When Appropriate When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean. Create a Mutual Purpose When you are at cross- purposes, use the four CRIB skills to get back to Mutual Purpose:• Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.• Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.• Invent a Mutual Purpose.• Brainstorm new strategies. (Page 160)
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense. (Page 163)
Humility. Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. They are curious about information and perspectives others have. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same. (Page 164)
reading alone won’t make you better at dialogue. You have to start holding Crucial Conversations if you want to get better at holding Crucial Conversations. (Page 164)
about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:• Share your facts.• Tell your story.• Ask for others’ paths.• Talk tentatively.• Encourage testing. The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it. (Page 166)
Figure 8.1 Path to Action (Page 167)
Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. By their very nature, facts are less controversial. (Page 167)
Eventually we may want to share our conclusions, but we certainly don’t want to open up with a controversy. Start with areas of least disagreement before moving to those with most. (Page 168)
Facts form the foundation for the conversation. Facts lay the groundwork for the conclusions that will come next. Facts become the starting point for the conversation and are less likely to spark offense. (Page 168)
Take the time to sort out facts from conclusions. Gathering the facts is the homework required for Crucial Conversations. (Page 169)
remember that you are sharing your facts. The skill here is to share your facts, not the facts. You are sharing what you have seen and heard. When you acknowledge that these are your facts, you make space for other facts— things the other person may have seen and heard. Sure, you have done your homework thoroughly in gathering the facts, but you don’t pretend to have all the facts. (Page 169)
We’re often far too eager to tell our stories (our judgments and conclusions). Sometimes just laying out the facts is enough to invite people into helping you make sense of them. For example, if your boss has failed to talk (Page 169)
But by all means, if you do want to share your story, don’t start with it. Your story (particularly if it has led to a rather harsh conclusion) could unnecessarily surprise or insult others. It could kill safety in one rash, ill- conceived sentence. (Page 169)
If you start with your story (and in so doing, kill safety), you may never be able to actually get back to the facts. In order to talk about your stories, you need to lead the others involved down your Path to Action. Let them experience your path from the beginning to the end, and not from the end to— well, to wherever it takes you. Let others see your experience from your point of view— starting with your facts, followed by your story. This way, when you do talk about what you’re starting to conclude, they’ll understand why. First the facts, then the story— and make sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as proven fact. (Page 170)
Sharing your story can be tricky. You need to earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Even then, the other person can still become defensive when you move from facts to stories. After all, you’re sharing potentially unflattering conclusions and judgments. (Page 170)
Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It’s the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face- to- face discussion. In addition, if you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications. (Page 171)
It takes confidence. It can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I’m wondering if you’re a thief”). It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story, you’ll realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves to be heard. And by starting with the facts, you’ve laid the groundwork. When you think through the facts and then lead with them, you’re much more likely to have the confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool. (Page 171)
Don’t pile it on. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclusions. (Page 172)
Look for safety problems. As you share your story, watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people become defensive, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting. (Page 172)
Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express. (Page 173)
the key to sharing sensitive ideas is a blend of confidence and humility. We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views— and meaning it. So once you’ve shared your point of view, facts and stories alike, invite others to do the same. If your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you’ll willingly listen to other views. By being open to learning, you’re demonstrating the curiosity that comes from true humility— a commitment to truth over ego. (Page 173)
“How do you see it?” “What’s your perspective?” “Can you help me understand?” These open- ended questions encourage others to express their facts, stories, and feelings. When they do, carefully listen to what they have to say. Equally important, be willing to abandon or reshape your story as more information pours into the Pool of Shared Meaning. Remember, what you really want is to achieve valued results, not to gratify your ego by being right. (Page 173)
Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. “Perhaps you were unaware …” suggests that you’re not absolutely certain of what the person knew. “In my opinion …” says you’re sharing an opinion and no more. When sharing a story, strike a blend between confidence and humility. Share in a way that expresses appropriate confidence in your conclusions while demonstrating that, if called for, you want your conclusions challenged. (Page 174)
Notice that the primary change from the left column to the right is not the degree of conviction expressed, but the level of honesty that this is simply your conviction. Even “The only way to do this …” becomes more tentative when saying, “I am certain …” The first version sounds like a claim to absolute truth. The second acknowledges that this is simply your personal conviction. (Page 174)
One of the ironies of dialogue is that when there’s a difference of opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence; it decreases it. The converse is also true— the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions. (Page 175)
When you begin with a complete disclaimer and a tone that suggests you’re consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice. It’s one thing to be humble and open. It’s quite another to be clinically uncertain. Use language that says you’re sharing an opinion, not language that says you’re a nervous wreck. (Page 176)
Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations and stories— particularly if they differ from yours. Otherwise, people don’t speak up, and you can’t test the accuracy and relevance of your views. (Page 176)
Invite opposing views. If you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views— no matter how different. If their views disagree with yours, so much the better. If what they have to say is controversial or even touchy, respect them for finding the courage to express what they’re thinking. (Page 177)
To help grease the skids, play devil’s advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view: “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true? What if the reason sales have dropped is because our products truly are outdated. I know I’ve made the opposite case, but I really want to hear all the reasons my position could be dangerously wrong.” (Page 178)
So when you care a great deal and are sure of your views, you don’t merely speak— you try to force your opinions into the pool of meaning. You know, drown people in your truth. Quite naturally, others resist. You in turn push even harder. (Page 181)
It starts with a story. When we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong, we feel no need to expand the pool of meaning, because we own the pool. We also firmly believe it’s our duty to fight for the truth that we’re holding. It’s the honorable thing to do. It’s what people of character do. Our stories that portray others as narrow- minded or dumb justify us in becoming controlling. “These poor people need saving,” we tell ourselves. Soon we’re modern- day heroes crusading against naïveté and tunnel vision. (Page 182)
the harder we try and the more forceful and nasty our tactics, the greater the resistance we create, the worse the results, (Page 182)
When you find yourself wanting to simply announce the truth rather than engage in dialogue, use the skills you’ve learned up to this point:• First, Learn to Look. Watch for the moment when people start to resist you— perhaps they begin to raise their volume and/ or overstate the facts behind their views in reaction to your tactics— or perhaps they retreat into silence. Turn your attention away from the topic (no matter how important) and onto yourself. Are you leaning forward? Are you speaking more loudly? Are you starting to try to win? Are you hammering on your keyboard as you furiously type a comment? Remember: The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.• Second, check your intent. What is your goal in the conversation? Do you want to be heard, understood, or validated? Maybe you want to change the other person’s mind. You can’t control or determine what another person will think at the end of a conversation, but you can influence it. As you consider what you really want from the conversation, ask yourself, “How would I behave if this is really what I want?” (Page 183)
When you have a tough message to share, or when you’re so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:• Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.• Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.• Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.• Talk tentatively. State your story as a story— don’t disguise it as a fact.• Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views. (Page 186)
One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears— by listening to them.—DEAN RUSK (Page 187)
you’ll never work through your differences until all parties freely add to the pool of meaning. That requires the people who are blowing up or clamming up to participate as well. And while it’s true that you can’t force others to dialogue, you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so. After all, that’s why they’ve sought the security of silence or violence in the first place. They’re afraid that dialogue will make them vulnerable. Somehow they believe that if they engage in real conversation with you, bad things will happen to them. (Page 189)
we recommended that whenever you notice safety is at risk, you should step out of the conversation and restore it. When you have offended others through a thoughtless act, apologize. Or if someone has misunderstood your intent, use Contrasting. Explain what you do and don’t intend. Finally, if you’re simply at odds, find a Mutual Purpose. (Page 190)
Exploring others’ paths is a demonstration of our good intent, and that’s why it’s a powerful tool for creating safety. Thus far, we have shared our good intent by telling people what it is. This now is our chance to show them our good intent. If our intent truly is to listen, to understand, and to connect with them, how we act, not just what we say, will create safety. (Page 190)
People who routinely seek to find out why others are feeling unsafe do so because they have learned that getting at the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue. They realize that the cure for silence or violence isn’t to respond in kind, but to get at the underlying source. This calls for genuine curiosity— at a time when you’re likely to be feeling frustrated or angry. (Page 191)
To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. A good way to distract your brain from spinning up stories of others’ malicious motives is to give it a different problem to focus on. Like this one: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?” Then get busy trying to find an answer to this question. (Page 192)
Be patient. When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it’s a good bet they’re starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person’s verbal attack, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going to take a little while for him or her to settle down. (Page 193)
Thoughts are all electricity. Emotions add chemistry. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they hang around in the bloodstream for a time— in some cases, long after thoughts have changed. So be patient while the chemistry catches up with the electricity. Allow people time to explore their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety you’ve created. (Page 193)
Your goal is to help others retrace their Path to Action. Recognize that we’re joining the conversation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve seen and heard things, told themselves a story or two, and generated a feeling (possibly a mix of fear, hurt, and anger or disappointment), and now they’re starting to act out their story. That’s where we come in. Now even though we may be hearing their first words, we’re coming in somewhere near the end of their path. (Page 193)
Figure 9.1 Path to Action (Page 194)
When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress. Consequently, we’ve already missed the foundation of the story, and we’re confused. If we’re not careful, we can become defensive. After all, not only are we joining late, but we’re also joining at a time when the other person is starting to act offensively. (Page 194)
“My, they have a lot of strong emotions right now. They must have told an interesting story. I wonder what it was and what led to it?” Instead, we match this unhealthy behavior. (Page 194)
When we help others retrace their path to its origins, not only do we help curb our reaction, but we also return to the place where the feelings can be resolved: their source— the facts and the story behind the emotion. (Page 195)
What does it take to get others to share their path? In a word, it requires listening. To encourage people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for them to share their intimate thoughts. (Page 195)
To encourage others to share their paths, we’ll use four power listening tools. We call the four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP— ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime. (Page 196)
The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves. For example, often all it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand others’ views. When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence. Being willing to stop filling the pool with your meaning and invite the other person to talk about his or her view can go a long way toward getting to the source of the problem. (Page 196)
“What’s going on?” “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” “Please let me know if you see it differently.” “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.” (Page 196)
mirroring can help build more safety. In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person’s Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him or her to discuss it. All we have so far are actions and some hints about the other person’s emotions, so we start there. (Page 196)
We play the role of mirror by describing how the other person looks or acts. Although we may not understand others’ stories or facts, we can see their actions and reflect them. (Page 197)
Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them) are inconsistent with his or her words. For example: “Don’t worry. I’m fine.” (But the person’s look and tone suggest he’s actually quite upset. He’s frowning, looking around, and sort of kicking at the ground.) (Page 197)
We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his tone of voice or posture suggests something else. Mirroring magnifies safety because it demonstrates our genuine interest in and concern for others. We are paying attention! So much so, that we aren’t just listening to what they are saying; we are noticing how they are saying it. (Page 197)
When reflecting your observations, take care to manage your tone of voice and delivery. It’s not the fact that we’re acknowledging others’ emotions that creates safety. We create safety when our tone of voice says we’re OK with them feeling the way they’re feeling. If we do this well, they may conclude that rather than acting out their emotions, they can confidently talk them out with us instead. (Page 197)
Examples of mirroring include: “You say you’re OK, but the tone of your voice sounds upset.” “You seem angry with me.” “You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you’re willing to do it?” (Page 197)
Ironically, when you sincerely acknowledge someone is angry with you, the person often begins to feel less angry. When you validate someone’s nervousness, the person feels less need to be nervous. Mirroring can help others begin to talk out rather than act out their emotions. (Page 198)
When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own words— usually in an abbreviated form: (Page 198)
The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This task can help keep you from becoming angry or defensive. Simply rephrase what the person said, and do it in a way that suggests that it’s OK, you’re trying to understand, and it’s safe for him or her to talk candidly. (Page 198)
After a while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as if we’re pestering or prying. If we push too hard, we violate both purpose and respect. Others may think our purpose is merely to extract what we want from them, and conclude that we don’t care about them personally. So instead, we back off. Rather than trying to get to the source of the other person’s emotions, we either gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen. Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding. It also helps reveal what they think the cause of the problem is. (Page 199)
When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will respond in kind. (Page 199)
Now this is not the kind of thing you would do unless nothing else has worked. You really want to hear from others, and you have a very strong idea of what they’re probably thinking. Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share their meaning. (Page 200)
To keep ourselves from feeling like sellouts while exploring others’ paths— no matter how different or wrong they seem— remember we’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. Understanding doesn’t equate with agreement. Sensitivity doesn’t equate to acquiescence. By taking steps to understand another person’s Path to Action, we aren’t promising that we’ll accept their point of view. We are promising to listen. (Page 201)
Let’s say you did your level best to make it safe for the other person to talk. After asking, mirroring, paraphrasing, and eventually priming, the other person opened up and shared his or her path. It’s now your turn to talk. But what if you disagree? Some of the other person’s facts are wrong, and his or her stories are completely fouled up. (Page 204)
Agree As you watch families and work groups take part in heated debates, it’s common to notice a rather intriguing phenomenon. Although the various parties you’re observing are violently arguing, in truth, they’re in violent agreement. They actually agree on every important point, but they’re still fighting. They’ve found a way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate. (Page 205)
you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument. (Page 205)
the reason most of us turn agreements into debates is because we disagree with a certain portion of what the other person has said. Never mind that it’s a minor portion. (Page 205)
when another person offers up a suggestion (based on facts and stories), you’re looking to disagree. And when you do find a minor difference, you turn this snack into a meal. Instead of remaining in healthy dialogue, you end up in violent agreement. (Page 206)
If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. (Page 206)
Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that the other person is wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!,” start with a tentative but candid opening. (Page 206)
When exploring others’ paths, you are trying to create safety for people to share their meaning. But the pool expands only when their meaning is heard and when your meaning is heard. Your meaning needs to be in the pool as well. However, you will create more safety for others by helping them share their meaning first, before you dive into the pool with all your meaning. Start by listening, then sharing. (Page 207)
To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Path to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. (Page 210)
Then use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins:• Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.• Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.• Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for others to share what they’re thinking.• Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. As you begin to respond, remember:• Agree. Agree when you share views.• Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views; then build.• Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views. (Page 210)
No one can hurt me without my permission.—GANDHI (Page 213)
To paraphrase the pastor Cornelius Lindsey, If you live by the compliment, you’ll die by the criticism. (Page 219)
Feedback only hurts when we believe it threatens one or both of our most fundamental psychological needs: safety (perceived physical, social, or material security) and worth (a sense of self- respect, self- regard, or self- confidence). (Page 222)
You don’t get angry when you’re confident. You get angry when you’re scared. (Page 223)
let’s talk about worth. Let’s start with two assumptions: 1. That learning truth is an absolute good. The more truth you know, the better you can navigate life. 2. That others’ feedback is either pure truth, pure falsehood, or some mixture of the two. Usually it’s some mixture. (Page 223)
The sensible response to feedback would be to do what TOSA students do: Put it in a bag, sort out what’s true, and discard the rest. But we don’t. Instead, whether it’s true, false, or a combination, we react to it indiscriminately with hurt, shame, fear, or anger. Why? Because we live with an undercurrent of worry that we aren’t worthy. It is our fear that we’re inadequate, unlovable, or worthless that makes the opinions of others so threatening. When others hold our pens, we live with a constant gnawing fear of their disapproval. (Page 223)
1. Collect yourself. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe. It signals that you don’t need to be preparing for physical defense. Being mindful of your feelings helps, too. Do your best to name them as you feel them. Naming them helps you put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotions. Are you hurt, scared, embarrassed, ashamed? If you can think about what you’re feeling, you gain more power over the feeling. (Page 224)
have infinite, intrinsic, and eternal worth. Neither my past nor others’ opinions define me. My worth is about my potential and my choices.” (Page 225)
Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. As we learned in the previous chapter, curiosity can inoculate you against defensiveness. Focusing on understanding helps interrupt our tendency toward personalizing. (Page 225)
It’s hard to beat yourself up when you’re busy solving a puzzle. The best “curiosity puzzle” is answering the question “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person say what he or she is saying?” Detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person. That will help you bypass the need to evaluate what you’re hearing. Simply act like a good reporter trying to understand the story. (Page 225)
Recover. It’s sometimes best at this point to ask for a time- out. Feelings of control bring feelings of safety. And you regain a sense of control when you exercise your right to respond when you’re truly ready. Explain that you want some time to reflect and you’ll respond when you have a chance to do so. (Page 225)
Engage. Examine what you were told. If you’ve done a good job reestablishing feelings of safety and worth, you’ll look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. Sift through the bag/ pool of meaning. Even if it’s 95 percent junk and 5 percent gold, look for the gold. There is almost always at least a kernel of truth in what people are telling you. (Page 226)
When you find yourself reacting to hard feedback, remind yourself that your reaction is largely within your control. “Retake your pen” by taking steps to secure your safety and affirm your worth. (Page 227)
use four skills to manage how you address the information others share: 1. Collect yourself. Breathe deeply, name your emotions, and present yourself with soothing truths that establish your safety and worth. 2. Understand. Be curious. Ask questions and ask for examples. And then just listen. Detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person. 3. Recover. Take a time- out if needed to recover emotionally and process what you’ve heard. 4. Engage. Examine what you were told. Look for truth rather than defensively poking holes in the feedback. If appropriate, reengage with the person who shared the feedback and acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do. If needed, share your view of things in a noncombative way. (Page 227)
The two riskiest times in Crucial Conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety, or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. (Page 232)
When you’re deciding how to decide, it helps to have a way of talking about the decision- making options available. There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus. These four options represent increasing degrees of involvement. Increased involvement brings the benefit of increased commitment, but also the curse of decreased decision- making efficiency. (Page 234)
key to being an effective leader is knowing which decisions are worth slowing down to allow for some level of involvement in the form of consulting, voting, or consensus decision- making. (Page 235)
Consulting is a process whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. You can consult with experts, a representative population, or even everyone who wants to offer an opinion. Consulting can be an efficient way of gaining ideas and support without bogging down the decision- making process. (Page 235)
When facing several decent options, voting is a great time saver but should never be used when team members don’t agree to support whatever decision is made. In these cases, consensus is required. (Page 236)
Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high- quality decisions. (Page 236)
When choosing among the four methods of decision- making, consider the following questions: 1. Who cares? Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision along with those who will be affected. These are your candidates for involvement. Don’t involve people who don’t care. 2. Who knows? Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision. Encourage these people to take part. Try not to involve people who contribute no new information. 3. Who must agree? Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make. It’s better to involve these people than to surprise them and then suffer their open resistance. 4. How many people is it worth involving? Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it. (Page 236)
Once you’ve decided how you’ll decide, make sure everyone knows. It can be as simple as saying: “Your input is critical here. And please be aware, this is a consult decision. I’ll take your input along with that of others and make the decision.” (Page 238)
Here’s a great exercise for teams or couples, particularly those that are frustrated about decision- making. Make a list of some of the important decisions being made in the team or relationship. Then discuss how each decision is currently made, and how each should be made— using the four important questions. After discussing each decision, decide how you’ll make decisions in the future. A Crucial Conversation about your decision- making practices can resolve many frustrating issues. (Page 238)
While a conversation doesn’t necessarily need to end with a decision, it should always end with a commitment. It may be a commitment to change or take action. Or it may be a commitment, simple but sincere, to reflect on the new meaning that has been shared. (Page 238)
“Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” If you don’t make an actual assignment to an actual person, there’s a good chance that nothing will ever come of all the work you’ve gone through to make a decision. (Page 239)
Be sure to spell out the exact deliverables you have in mind. The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment. (Page 239)
When you’re first agreeing on an assignment, clarify up front the boundary conditions of what you want. (Page 240)
It’s shocking how often people leave this element out of an assignment. Instead of giving a deadline, people simply point to the setting sun of “someday.” (Page 241)
Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action. Goals without deadlines aren’t goals; they’re merely directions. (Page 241)
“One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds.” Don’t leave your hard work to memory. If you’ve gone to the effort to complete a Crucial Conversation, don’t fritter away all the meaning you created by trusting your memories. Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments. (Page 243)
Turn your successful Crucial Conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction: Decide How to Decide• Command. Decisions are made without involving others.• Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides.• Vote. An agreed- upon percentage swings the decision.• Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision. Finish Clearly• Determine who does what by when.• Make the deliverables crystal clear.• Set a follow- up time.• Record the commitments and then follow up.• Finally, hold people accountable to their promises. (Page 244)
Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and can’t take feedback, or the other doesn’t give it very well. In any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they’re discussed. (Page 247)
When something bothers you, catch it early. Contrasting can also help: “I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand.” Share your facts: describe the specific behaviors you’ve observed: “When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get his attention. You call him a ‘pig’ and then laugh as if you didn’t mean it.” Tentatively explain the consequences: “I don’t think it’s having the effect you want. He doesn’t pick up on the hint, and I’m afraid that he’s starting to resent you” (your story). Encourage testing: “Do you see it differently?” (Page 248)
When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view. When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively. (Page 248)
Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person. When it comes to regaining trust in others, don’t set the bar too high. Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues. You don’t have to trust them in everything. To Make It Safe for yourself in the moment, bring up your concerns. (Page 249)
you want someone to show more initiative, tell him or her. Give specific examples of when the person ran into a barrier and then backed off after a single try. Raise the bar and then make it crystal clear what you’ve done. Jointly brainstorm what the person could have done to be both more persistent and more creative in coming up with a solution. (Page 250)
Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being given information that could be extremely helpful. When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to violence. Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful. Also, the longer you go without saying anything, the greater the pain when you finally deliver the message. (Page 251)
Explain that you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, but you do want to share something that could be helpful. Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable. Also explain that you’re reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person’s effectiveness, you really must. Tentatively describe the problem. Don’t play it up or pile it on. Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solutions. Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly don’t have to be offensive or insulting. (Page 251)
Learn to Look. The first principle for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue. This alone makes a huge difference. (Page 254)
benefit from this material by simply asking if they or others are falling into silence or violence. They may not know exactly how to fix the specific problem they’re facing, but they do know that if they’re not in dialogue, it can’t be good. And then they try something to get back to dialogue. As it turns out, trying something is better than doing nothing. (Page 254)
So remember to ask the following important question: “Are we playing games, or are we in dialogue?” It’s a wonderful start. (Page 254)
Perhaps the most common way that the language of dialogue finds itself into everyday conversation is with the statement, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” This simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe. (Page 254)
The second principle is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety. When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. Anything. (Page 255)
Sometimes you’ll build safety by asking a question and showing interest in others’ views. Sometimes an appropriate touch (with loved ones and family members— not at work where touching can equate with harassment) can communicate safety. (Page 255)
LET’S (Page 256)
We found that time and again what stands between us and what we really want is lag time. The problem isn’t that we have problems. The problem is the lag time between when we know we have them and when we find a way to effectively confront, discuss, and resolve them. If you reduce this lag time, everything gets better. (Page 267)

Pelayo Arbués

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Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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Rethinking Our Contributions to Social Media Platforms

Advanced Course on Product Engineering

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A Survey of Generative Search and Recommendation in the Era of Large Language Models

Pelayo Arbués

Explorer

Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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Highlights §

Graph View

Table of Contents

Recent Notes

Rethinking Our Contributions to Social Media Platforms

Advanced Course on Product Engineering

There is always going to be something you cannot fix

Now Reading

A Survey of Generative Search and Recommendation in the Era of Large Language Models

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